A Woman Like Me

It has been forever, so i decided to pen something down as I picked phrases from where my mind led me. I hope you love it.

IMG_20181021_165157.jpg
a woman like me

I once said that women like us were not meant to be tamed. We were not created to succumb to meager creations of men and be satisfied. Because women like us are meant to drown oceans and roast the flames of Hades kingdom. But I forgot to mention that women like us are never understood, not because we don’t want to be understood, but because finding a mind to understand what we stand for is like looking for hints of rain in the 3pm scorching of the desert.

And this is where my boy of science is stuck. It is like a life hack that hit his lower back without causing an arch and I ache for that. He did not see it coming yet he held it tenderly in the palm of his hands. He did not see it coming yet every day he pushed it into the deep of his neck. Art is in our hearts and art struggles to meet the baby man at the science level and art is dying. I feel it, I see it. I hear its wails in the am of every dawn. Art wants to raise up but the moment art does meet the morning sun rays, art is forced to bow down but the problem is art never bows down because art was created for the heart and if you make the heart bow down, you are putting the soul under the feet and what is life without a soul?

Again, women like us are misunderstood. We know what we want, we can walk the path to that spot we want to be, but putting the name of the path in words is a hustle. Women like us fail to explain because we fail time and again to find the right words, and right phrases. we seem to have been overwhelmed with phrases of explanation. And baby man will not understand, and the world will judge us, and the ground unto which our feet kiss every dawn will fail to hold us up.

Women like us drown oceans, but the ocean has sharks.

My teacher says I should tell the people what I feel. I should say what exactly is in my mind. I look at her and smile, she looks nice. She smells roses. It’s a Friday and she has that small bag she carries, I assume the guy with a blue Volvo will pick her up late. She looks like she is looking forward to that. My face smiles for her and I wish and hope her smile is genuine, not like mine. I hope the guy in the Volvo is not just looking for a warm hole. And at that instant, I frown a little and clench my fists. Maybe it wasn’t a little, because hers also frowned. But being me is a talent, you master the art of masks.

I want to tell her that I can’t tell the world what it wants to hear because that is the case. There is war in my head. There are a yin and yang to every part and fiber of my body.it is like I am an angel with horns, a devil with a halo. I speak poetry even when I’m trying to be friendly and everyone ends up standing up. I want to tell her the truth, I want to lay it on the table, and maybe she will help. But the guy in the Volvo is outside, just arrived. I see her look at her phone, she smiles, and her nipples are hard. She stands and walks across the room swaying her round ass seductively and I drown my sorrows in tomorrow.

She held my hand. I close my eyes. It is no longer women like us. Rather, a woman like me. A woman like me drowns in oceans

 

Advertisements

Project 1

hello awesome people? so I want to give a book project I have a test drive. kindly let me know if you can read/buy/invest your time and resources in such a manuscript. Thanks loves

From just across the street, the apartment looked different. Not the good and thepleasant type of differe, no, not at all.it looked gloomy anddesolate, sort of haunted like those old European mansions in Hollywood gothic thriller films. It refleted the kind of mood that could not be refletected even by the illumination of the golden sun, leave alone the reflections of the bright yellowcurtains or dark tan doors that seemed to have withstood all storms and wars of the taste of times. Which they definitely have if we go with my definition of the test of times.

The winds whispered as they strolled by peacefully and harmoniously with the low-lying branches and the varios handing by the grocery shops and fruit vendors. The whole neighbourhood of late has never been the same as it used to be. It was encompassed a frozen solid chill kind of atmosphere like it was mourning. It has been like that for a while now, like some kind of prop set up for a spooky movie.

Across the street, Diana sat still like the statue. The place was la cafe inn. Her once hot cup of coffee now warm remained untouched, undisturbed unlike the calm of her mind. She starred at her phone placed on the table then across the street to the window of apartment E14. The windows were closed and the curtains not drawn. No hints of life could be detected. Also, they have been like that for a while now.the kitchen window on the father corner was partially corner. And clearly, there are no signs of the effort made to try and mend the brokenness. That spoke a lot.

The damage was not as noticeable, but to diana, everything was in zoom mode.the glass that had distorted that particular window had missed by an inch. She flinched at the thought of that.she slightly and tenderly touched her cheek at the memory of that.

“ma’am, your coffe will get cold. Again.”

A skinny looking young boy with sunken and dark eyes that often shied away from attention startled her from her deep trail of thoughts. She looked upto at him and smiled as a way of thanking him for the concern but at that particular time, being thankful was at the very bottom of her list of moods. But you know what they say, the prettiest eyes and most amzing smiles have a lot to hide. The least she could do for this boy was say thank you and look like she meant it. that is what she thought as she caught a group of waitresses at the counter talking in low tones while looking at her. The topic of their discussion was not the coffee she has not touched, and that was evident.

“thank you… simon

That is not a problem anyway.”

Name tags do save us from some embarrassments. She thought as she vocalized her thank. After all these times of sitting by the same window almost every single day, she had not had the idea nor the audacity to at least to know the name of the boy with sunken eyes. The place was changing from the last time they were there. That too was not registering.

“you know, maybe you should go and bring down the door.

Literally”

Diana just starred ta the door of the apartment E14 without saying another word. Simon collected the bills and shuffled his way to the cashier’s counter. Aminute laterdiana picked up her bag and coat. Sheadjusted her cotton polka dotted shirt and her tiny black skirt on black stockingsand ankle heeled boots. She headed for the exit.

Probably! Maybe! but not today.

X      X     X

She has been crying again and again. Her puffy red eyes and her tear stained face told the misery for the situation. She sat there quietly, on the littered and stained couch. The soft and smooth velvety carpet was decorated with decorated with broken pieces of places and frames while wine stains that spattered like semi thick ketchup added a finishing touch to the rest of the living room. Torn cushions and pillows were scattered, furniture pushed and pulled and turned in all the wrong places. The place looked like a heavenly mess like a scene from the aftermath of hurricanes and whirlwind combined.  A typical representation of her entire mood in one room. She laughed as the thought crossed her mind. A painful laugh.

She looked tired, unkempt and desolate. She smelled tired, breathed tired till her bones clicked and clacked with each movement she attempted.

She had on a baggy Rockstar tee shirt, red in color that barely covered the torn in her black leggings. Those leggings were once her favorite but looking at them now, there was nothing favorite about them. Two empty bottles of 750ml of south African finest wine, cellar cask lay peacefully by her side while one, half empty dwindled and dangled in her arms. She stared at nothingness and then down at her tummy. Her eyes strayed and settled on the shattered photo frame. His smile looked so real, so alive. She could swear his smile was still in place, but why couldn’t she feel it?

His smile never shattered

His smile was never broken.

Holding onto the armrest of the couch, she eased herself up and let the half full, half empty bottle of wine fall on the couch which gladly took and soaked in the red contents within its it’s smoothness. Fresh streams of tears formed on her contoured face. Pieces of the broken glasses caressed the palms of her feet, but her consciousness was not on the pain of it all. Her mind was set on the smile and the picture.

Ivan.

Soft, deep felt sobs escaped her sore and tired throat. her nose, speedily, became clogged as she wiped away the tears with the back of her hand. But, the thing about memories, you can never wipe them with the back of your hand. It’s just the physical manifestation of pain, like tears.

“it was not supposed to end like this.

No baby! It wasn’t”

She renewed her sobs looking into the pictures. Holding it tight as if she wanted to feel something. She did want to feel something, but at this point, she didn’t know what exactly. Pain came in form of many shapes. She picked up the picture from all the pieces of fragmented glasses and frames.

“you know what love…”

Amidst the freshened-up sobs, his face came back to her for a millionth time and internally she crouched and felt miniature in stature and mind. But this were the thoughts that have kept her alive. These are what she lives for now.  Little visions of lies. Little flashes and the thoughts of it could have been different.  Little fictional pleasures. She was not guilty. She didn’t have time for guilt.

“you have been a good friend since day three. You have been a better girlfriend for four years and I can bet my life on it that you be the best wife…”

She remembered. He smiled sweetly as he held her hand tenderly. He got on one knee. Her eyes had soaked up just as they were now, but with light sparkles and slight chuckles.

“Kat, will you have me the honors of making you my queen?”

Those were the last words. That was the last image she remembered of him before her limbs started to give away to gravity. she felt like the strength and the stability in her limbs was being sucked b some form of a vacuum. She attempted a few steps towards the wall. She had barely reached the front door before she fell down her hand brushing on the lock.

As when became aware of the cold floor underneath her, she felt the warmth of the liquid between her thighs. An alarm went in her head. She panicked. The larger weight of her body was on her left side. she tried to arch her body in a way that eased her whole being. Moving an inch, she saw her nightmare come alive in a shade of red. blood.

“No! no!

Not now please. It can’t be! It shouldn’t

Noooooo…”

Kat felt herself falling too quickly too loudly into the oblivion.

Images began to flash before her eyes as Ivan’s smile clouded her mind. His face didn’t look distorted with pain and agony, it didn’t show any contortion of disappointments or hurt. It was just the full real Ivan she had always known for all those years. She for a second felt happy. For a second, she felt alive again. She put her hand in his and he embraced her. His other hand held her face gently as he always did and stroked the sharp edge of her chin with the tip of his thumb. He held onto the hand wither freehand and took sharp and deep inhale then exhale as she closed her eyes and allowed her body to sink.

“its okay Kat. Everything is fine”

In a million years, she smiled, a happy genuine smile hoping, wishing the moment will last forever.

1 Year Ago

“Katrina Rose Latoya”

Habim adored his presence being noted, ignorance was not an option. Kat looked at him pretending not to be pleased at all, a game they both understood so well.

“oh goodness, the devil and his generation of kittens have woken up in one person today.

Brilliant!”

Kat said rolling her eyes that appeared larger than usual under the influence of dark make up. She made no effort to get up and say hi to him or show any form of pleasantries. She looked disturbed in her endeavors to remain focused on what she was doing.

“don’t kid yourself darling, you know you missed me.”

She smiles and hugged him. Well, after admitting to it anyways. .

“and I fucking hate myself that I did.”

They both sat at the la cafe inn and waited for their order. They loved thespot.it didn’t have a whole lot of people and the snacks and food served was amazing. Let’s not forget. But the main reason they noted the place, who doesn’t love having eye candies for waiters. The place inspired Katrina to move just across the street. Perfect.

“hello Habim, here you go”

The order was a regular. So, when Habim got in, sally the waitress automatically knew what she will be serving for starts. She smiled as she placed a cup of dark espresso crema coffee on the table.

“gorgeous, thank you so much”

He took a sip and closed his eyes savoring every little detail of taste in his glands. He was satisfied.

“just the way I love it”

“your welcome anyway anytime. And by the way, I’m loving the new scents. It’s refreshing.”

It was like that was trigger for him to talk about and sally had just brought onto the world. Kat put her head between her palms in an effort to disappear and come back when he had done talking.

Óh, thank you. I am telling you this was love at first sight. Would you believe it if I tell you I can’t remember the name.al I know is that it is not a Shirly may product.”

They all giggled as that as sally proceeded to the counter. Kat was up again, finally remembered.

“do you ever remember names?”

“leave me alone Kat, I am working on my Oscar”

This boy, he always had answers for everything. Well, something to reply back.  Kat couldn’t let it go so easily, but she laughed it away anyway. Suddenly, a thick cloud of silence hangs loosely above their heads. It was one of those silences that you would tell something was about to erupt but it was taking too damn long to do so. Katrina fixed her eyes on him lightly but inquisitively trying to see past the navy-blue hooded person seated in front of her a cup of coffee dancing between his palms. His eyes were on the cup, but it seemed that he didn’t carry his mind with him, just a little pretense that was slowly wearing off.

“anything you want to tell me?”

She asked innocently but with a hint of concern in her voice. Slightly pushing the empty plate before aside she inclined and leaned on her elbows. Habim ignored for a short period of time that was longer than a minute which was the perfect catalyst to arouse curiosity in her. Habim was not the type to go quiet especially when questions are asked. He always had answers even if they answered the questions or not. The thing is, he always had answers.

“hey, Habim?”

Katrina learned the more in. she stretched out her hand and tried to catch his that was cupping the mug.

“I don’t know how to tell you this Kat.”

His voice was suddenly heavy with emotion and his face distorted with furrows from a twisted smile.

“you don’t know how to tell me something? Is that even religiously accepted? Is that you? Habimana Almighty, hello.”

Katrina joked trying to lighten the mood. she understood well that something had happened to Habimana. Something bad because Habim had a thick skin. For it to have aroused these fears, these emotions, whatever she was seeing, it had to be the apocalypse of their time.

“guess there is a first time for everything.”

He simply replied trying to make the smile look as genuine as possible. Wrong move.

“Habim, is it Rob? “

“oh goodness, no way. Rob Robin is as fine as the word itself.”

“then what is it?”

Habim laughed hysterically for a few split seconds. For him, it definitely sounded like the world’s most genius approach to get away with mother. Another wrong move. He suddenly wore the straight face look Kat right in eye just for a moment.

“I am fucked up Kat.”

She wanted to agree with him. She wanted to agree that finally he could see the truth, that it is fucked up. Of course, he was fucked up, that is what he really wanted to tell him on his face with a large smile and tease him about it. But that would have been appropriate in another sitting, not this one. This was a time to be the good realistic friend. So, she hushed up and listened.

“Kat, they know…they asked.”

“what Habim? Who knows what? Who asked? What are you talking about?”

She could not control herself as questions began to blurb out. His phone vibrated in his jumper pockets. He reached for it, checked the caller ID. His face dropped wearing a mask of sadness.

“talk of the angel, its Rob. I can’t talk to him.”

He stood up unexpectedly and started for the exit while completing ignoring Katrina’s efforts to call him back. As he disappeared through the double wood-glass doors, Kat took a deep breath. It was like she had been dropped in this foreign lands and places she didn’t not have any familiarity to. And she was trying so hard to find the bearing. She thought of the conversation that didn’t bear anything apart from anxiety, sadness and tears yet it still hangs loosely like a cloud of misery up their heads waiting to drop any second.

She didn’t notice Ivan sliding down in the coffee shop couch next to her.it startled her, for just a second but she snapped back.

“babe, are you okay?”

Ivan asked as he leaned in closer to her to give her a quick peck on the cheek. She took a quick breath and gave an acknowledgement to Ivan. 

“Hey, im good.im just worried about ivan.”

Ivan sat quietly where Habim had sat a few minutes ago. Maybe he was waiting for Kat to tell him more on what was going on. He understood what Habim meant to her. Well, with time he got to understand the deep relation these two had.

“what’sup with him this time?” He asked putting the weight off his head on his two hands and giving her full attention.

P.S

DONT MIND THE EXTREMELY NASTY TYPING ERRORS. NOW, LET ME HEAR THE RAW TRUTH…

I’M ONLY HUMAN

I can fake a smile, sweet or sour all the same

I can take it all and run the miles, I can avoid mistakes

I can carry the load in piles and live in mental voids

I can walk through the hurricanes and hails

Storm the hell through hell even when pale

 

I can take the hurt; I can heart the flat flirt

I can laugh away the tears

I can drown the hiccup, I can smile the sob away

I swear I can shrug away the fears

IMG_20181110_141614

I can cover up the paleness

I can wipe away the blood and say it’s nothing

I can assume and cover the fumes and the tears,

the wounds and the scars

 

But I am also human

I bruise and break when I fall down

I cry and curse when I can’t take it, Can’t fake it anymore

I scream and wail and kick when I drown

I flinch when it gets bitter

 

I’m only human

I get sad, I get mad

I miss the kiss and crave the bliss

I’m brave yes but fear the grave

I flip the coin and pray for the head

 

I am only humanIMG_20181113_171009.jpg

This Is You, you.

This is you standing at the brink of your own chaos,

Arms out, holding back the floods and the hurricanes.

This is you caught in the midst of your own mess

This is you falling apart,

Breaking to pieces during earthquakes of trauma.

Shredding into tiny specs as you try to stop the tornado from hitting you harder

This is you hurting, heaving and trying to heal.

IMG_20181026_130836.jpg

This is you watching as joy is peeled off your soul and laughter scrapped from your skin

This is you trying to blame yourself, trying to say it was your fault

This is you, in the messiest part, right after it has happened.

This is you cursing the saints and blaspheming the gods

Creating sad musical noted with your vocals

This is you asking questions that you can answer,

But you have succumbed to selective amnesia

This is you watching the earth suck the life you created out of you

You watch yourself burn, bleed and beat yourself

This is you trying to believe in the goodness

And you are asking why, why did this come to be?

How could all this earthly chaos happen to me?

And I ask for an assurance, that this is how the magic happens

This is how I will see the fireworks…is it really?

 

MUGS, CHILLED COFFEE

I’m freaking, it’s sinking
it doesn’t sync well, I can’t put a finger touch
the distance between my palm and your face just inches away, but baby it looks like miles. I’m frowning in this oblivion, the need and desire, the fire, sired.
I’m drowning in the cold of the breath and mist, in the midst of this, I detest the haste I’m pasting on your canvas, but baby…
I’m suffocating in this air, I want but I can’t, so i beat me.
set me on fire, hot seat of judgement.
guilty as charged, hands bound, chained and chaired
I’m dying, flashing my humanity into hades kingdom.
I can’t see life in your eyes anymore
I can’t see myself on your mind anymore, my scent is fading from your skin.
baby please look at me, why can’t you? no, wait! I’m sorry I asked.
please don’t walk away, please stay!
I will go, but you don’t want me to leave
I don’t want me to go
baby please let me hold your hand, will you.
shall we lie here, here where our memories sing the song of our love tuned to the auto tunes of our vocalized strings. it stings, as the door swings on hinges of memory, you fringe, I cower.
baby please, listen
I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry I said that.
sorry I did that,
listen, I can… I can’t
just look into my heart, my eyes are blurry from storms withstood. look into my soul honey, see the hole.
baby please walk with me
the the night is dark, the weather is mystic and mythic, the path is haunted, these strokes are acidic.
baby how about music, no? it’s sick
but this was your favorite part, can we sing along?
no
honey I’m sorry, I can tattoo it on my skin
I can Braille it on my heart
I can sing atop Everest…
baby please, the coffee will get cold
the bathtub is too large, the mornings runs are lonely
my bedside is too neat.
do you hear me
are you listening
…..

When I was a teen

Love was selfish, cunning and greed
Love was too little too late, never enough
Love was like tiptoeing in still waters
Love was a boy with plenty of options, cancelled plans, one sided effort.
Love was chase the winds until it’s calm
Seek shelter till storms are no more
It was a fill in space of “Now that I have nothing important, I can commit to you.”
Those were the teen years

When I hit twenty, love grew wings and became spontaneous like the swirl of monsoon winds, labeled with urgency
A need of beating odds by two people.
Love was tough and recklessness
It was slow but with wild motion of the notion of turbulence
Hiding in the midnight streetss for the fathomable
Love was missing someone but can’t find the time for them
It was believing in happily ever after but not willing to fight
It was claiming someone when you’re miles away
Love had no time, love had no home, no space
Love was on the move
Love, was always busy

In

my ripe years
I just got introduced to love
It wasn’t wild and wretched
Proactive
It is appreciative of storms and the sunlight
Love embraces the dark and white
Love laughs, a lot, cries sometimes
Love apologises for the scars of sadness caused by others
But teaches you to appreciate the lesson
It transformed from midnight regrets to mornings spent laughing like you mean it. It turned from missing someone as you remain busy, to crossing borders and oceans for them.Love became“I want to give you everything you deserve; I want to show you just how much someone can adore you.”
Love was born bountiful and beautiful, not from shades of pain. And certainly, love became ruthless in declarations.

ONE DAY

one day
when I have broken all my bones
folded all my dreams
and dried my skin in the sun’s heat

one day
when I have emptied the ocean in my eyes
and exhausted the salt in my tears

one day
when I have filled my ears with sand
and drained my veins
when my soul remembers no peace
and my mind forgets not the days of pain
of agony and sorrow
of horror and borrowed thrills

one day
when depression has found a permanent dwelling place between my rib cages
a time when I’ll look outside and see showers of victimization, fucking bloody showers

one day
when I can’t forget to remember to cry
when my scars are deep and red and fresh in flesh

that one day
when I’ll be sitting by the window
tearing away pages of memory
as the smiles of sunrise for once in forever greets my face…
you will remember me

that one day,
you will crave me
my voice, my sound, my scent

You will desire to see just a glimpse of me in your dreams,
but the only place reserved for you in the world
will be that tiny place between the ceiling and the roof
and my sunrise will be your sunset
one day…

TOXIC

it’s the toxic waters we’re diving into
it’s the addictive drug we’re clicking glasses to
it’s fathomless habits we’re delving into
on the space between our skin
is my addictive seductive sin
I don’t need but I want to
I shouldn’t, but I can’t stop

so, I don’t want to
go, come back, I love you
this is not right, but it’s okay
again and again
tattooing reach others skin
filling the jars of our own shredded hearts

see, I have been a good girl
see, I have walked on flowers
see, I have kissed lips in the street lights
scratched skin in the moonlight
but it didn’t make me feel so alive

this is not right
but it feels like life
I’m walking on the razors edge
your hands are bloody with a trigger finger in motion
and I’m captivated in that notion
but the communion of our bodies knows no boundaries

this is not right
but why can’t I walk away from it
if you still chase a soul like me, you must be the wrong kind of right
I’m drowning deep into you
don’t let me breath

I don’t want to stay, dear lover
but I’d love to know how your coffee tastes like in the morning
I’d love to hear your gasps of 2 in the AM

soaking in sweet sweat
smoking the sour
I’m not going home tonight

DON’T TRY TO SAVE HER…

you sit in the corner
think of ways to save her
you walk on eggshells
trail on skull littered paths

He’s nice
he always wants to make things nice
to him is always nice or otherwise
nice, no dice thrown

but she feels blown from the surface of the universe
drowning in the unseen waters
trapped in dirtied gutters
among clutters, suffocating in litters
she feels the mess catching up
trapped on the same side of the mesh with trash

her mind is blocked
as she feels the rocky path pushing her to the rock bottom
there, she can’t block the weight of the heavy Yorks on her shoulders

she gets crushed against the gnashing air
she allows it
but he wants to save her
so she pushes him away
she doesn’t want to be saved

roll up the windows,

whiskey deep in solo cup
draw down the curtains
bake these feels
feel the lace beneath the soles
let her caress her naked soul

he can’t save her,
if he doesn’t know what’s like to be in her world

MENTAL DRAMA

you never miss the bliss of reminiscing

on wonders of yonder not

but caved and curved

in the distance
far and new

In the between of our skins

bodies in sync

to the beat of our hearts

patience escaping our senses

as we melted in the canopies

of the interlocked limbs

and escalating desires

you never miss to think of

the close brink with no blink

that i got you

mind in ponder,

thoughts a sander

Reason yonder

as you bathed and soaked

on words picked from your mind

intensively,

inattentively

pricked and poked

smeared and written on your skin

you miss the bliss

Admit it

I’m addicted to miss

its a nice verb and I’m two months in it