THAT’S HOW YOU LOST HER

Something is off,
something is not right
Something is indifferent
She is different, she feels the difference
Its a clear inference
But she stays in deterrence
Her feels only doing the utterance

She still touches you, but she no longer feels you

She looks at you, but she no longer sees you. She talks to you, but she no longer communicates with you.

She’s with you, but she is no longer present with you.

Like she used to
You’ve lost her.

You think it’s the beginning of the end,

when the truth is that it ended long ago.
It ended when you weren’t looking when staring

it ended when you weren’t paying attention while taking notes
It ended when the minutes to respond to your text message turned into hours, missed calls and ‘busy’ schedules.

It ended when she stopped initiating the conversation with you and you turned elsewhere

It ended when enjoying each other’s company turned into uncomfortable silence,

Each visit turned to war zones

It ended when she stopped telling you what was on her mind because you stopped asking.
You were hearing her, but you stopped listening to her.

The silence became commonplace.

It became home.

It became normal

You thought the silence meant that she had nothing to say,

when it was actually screaming at you that something was wrong.

You told her you loved her,

but you stopped showing it.

She wondered if you meant a word you said
You were careless with her love, her time,

and worst of all,

her heart.

You left her starving, emotionally

You forgot that love must be maintained and tended to every single day, not sporadically.

You forgot that you have to love her when you’re tired.

You forgot that you have to love her when you had a bad day.

You forgot that you have to love her when you’re angry.

You forgot that you have to love her when she’s angry.

You forgot that you have to love her when it’s difficult to love her.

That’s how you lost her.

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RAGE IN LOVE

Fists clenched

Nails drilling into the flesh

Fresh sweat cascading

Flesh bruising, 

turning bloody

Skin tearing

Muscles tightened

Air rigid, frightened

Teeth gritting

Grittier

Moods feisty

Eyes burning

Pouring into the ocean of flames

Face converting

Into a perfect superhighway to hell

Thoughts frying into hades haven

Senses on vacation

Heart in suffocation

Ears turned to lava

Lovers turned to enemies

Frenemies from friendship

Petal fingers to trigger fingers

Bell ringers of red flags

Murder thought lingers

Swords shinning

Arrows flying, the armour is down

And when we fight,
We tear each other apart

Cause if I can’t have you

Noone shall; my love

P.s thanks buddies(Dan and Abbas) for the inspiring picture. (Friends who understand your mental lenses disorder)

SO, I MET A BOY

So today is the last day of the month! Oh! damn it, of the year. So I feel like writing something free style, not a poem, not a prose, not something  constricted or constructed within the canopies of writing. I just wanna write.

First, (oh my goodness, I’m soo thrilled I can feel the feels filling and drilling right through this steel seals of emotions) I met a boy. Well, I met  whole lot male species in the entire year, but there’s something about this particular specimen of the male specie. 

I call him a boy cause he makes me feel like a 20 year old toddler, chasing butterflies and plucking buttercups with flutter moods and limbs that dart up and down the stairs in pairs with a resounding musical number again and again. I can’t even remember a toddler me doing that.

I call him a boy be cause he makes me feel rainfall and rainbows and coloured  bows and candies in places that were once filled with gloomier tales and tells, yells of happily ever never and mostly sprinkled with ash. This boy makes me feel colors from red to pink to yellow to sky blue, makes me see scents of chocolates and sweets.

This boy is strange, he is a stranger in a stranger world, in an entranged world sort of thing. He smiles with his heart, he laughs with his soul, he touches with his nerves, he talks with his spirit. There’s is something in the way he moves, proven in the way he touches and loves,so delicately like holy waters down  river, the way words roll out of his cocaine coated tongue cause boy, I’m addicted.

This boy, this boy is a boy of science and I think Hades, why again. Me and boys of science! This boy has a thing for stars, call him astrophel, proly that’s why he’s still struck, but im stuck on this boy. This boy of science is different. Stars and machines.

He wakes me up from my slumber and reminds me that its the last Saturday, I gotta go to  Goethe institute for a forum of women in literature, like how the fuck did he even remember that. He’s sad he can’t go with me, but promises to take me to fatumas voice. It has become one of our favourite end of week thing. But this means I have to stay late or with him in a pub watching Manchester united dry cook with him on some occasions, I dont mind. It gets me on the grove.

This boy, he massages my sour legs when I come back slightly injured from a taekwondo sparring and training. He doesn’t tell me to stop, he says “oh boy, who was your sparring partner? I pity…” I want to tell him that its no use, I couldn’t get that hook kick right, and every time I try I spin, I fall. I want to tell him, I’m scared I’m gonna let my team down this coming tournament. That I’m not even sure.

But he sees it all and says,”hey, if you want a black belt, its gonna be sweat, sometimes painful than this, but it’s worth it…”

This boy of science is a boy  magic and awesomeness.

I’m seated here, in this room filled with shots and snaps of his memories, memoirs of his presence. Sometimes I get scared, sometimes I cry, just a little but deeply. I tear inside, and I crack a little bit. What if I’m not enough for this boy? What if this boy that gets drawn so much into things that don’t make him him and loses his spark. See, when this boy makes me feel like a toddler, I dont think, cause when I do, my mind will tell me to stop doing the flips, cause I’m safer on my feet. It will tell me to stop chasing butterflies and plucking buttercups, that cattterpillars are disgusting and I might a sting.

My mind will recognize risk more fluently, and I’d want to run away, sway from his lane, block all the rays. It’ll tell me there’s no use, they all run away eventually. It’ll tell me its a play, prank play, cards on the table and king of hearts will be showing spades.

I wipe away the tear, plug in the earphones and go for a run.

Its the 31st day of the month of December, the year is 2017. Tonight, I won’t be calling anyone, tonight I won’t be crying, tonight is the day I balance. 22nd day of the month of December, I wrote the most sincere words, tonight we fit the dress see how it looks, put the words into actions.

I shut the door, open the front.

Let’s turn this boy into a man…

P.S

Pictures courtesy of Hesbon and Abaas, thanks mates. Tkd family

TONIGHT

Tonight is the day I write the most sincere words I can adhere to, tonight is one of those moments I slit my wrists and allow myself to bleed, not just with the pen,

Today is the time I make confessions my heart won’t agree, today is the day I side with my head with reason of the heart.

Today is the twenty-second day of the month of December, I’m seated in the same timeline sipping shots of memory and gazing on tear stained pages and bloody covers covered in unsolicited feels

I’m inhaling the evening cloud into the system and exhaling the dusty mist into the horizon. On normal I’ll be elsewhere.

Today is the day I let the myself be encompassed under the same blanket of the stars and the moon and the sun and feel normal breeze, exposing the tattoos on my skin. 

The bruises and scars that remind me of my sin and the scenes hidden deep in the canopies of “I’m okay, dont mind…” And the folders of “I’m alright”.

Tonight, I walk naked, derived of any masks afraid of no risks,  free of all husks, forgetting my cracked self and wrecked soul.

Tonight, I speak in clear semantical words and syntactical sentences, for you to read my feels in my voice, 

the pain in its words, 

the laughter in its phrases  

the void in its nothingness.
Tonight, 

I lay my cards on the table hoping we are all showing hearts, 

mine with all its holes and flaws that flow deep, still, 

Tonight feel my skin, the beat of my heart, inhale my scent…

I’m not afraid.

CHAINED, BEHIND THESE WALLS

His eyes were pregnant with life and love

His face with waves of want that only descends from above

His fingers were soft and greased

His lips charmed and creased

He looked into my eyes with expectations

As I strayed away with distraction

My ears were still warm with his declaration

My mind harboured his honest confession

And I clenched my tiny nailed fists in frustration

Calling upon the dead for it to be a hallucination

I pulled away my hands from his grip

This was not the time to trip

This wasn’t the place to slip

This wasn’t the way i flip

His face became a mixture of shades

Fifty shades of love and craps 

And life from his face began to drape

Love from his eyes began to drip

Replaced by fear of the unknown

Taken by the mystery of the dawn

And the pawn’s move

“Damon,I  can’t…”

Three words that held the fate of his world

Three words that held all his herald

But I knew by bruising his skin

I was saving his neck from the scheme

He loved a lady 

A lady wasn’t ready

I start to walk away 

Head held low as a prey

And I want to succumb to prayer

But I know I’m just turning into a pathetic liar

Finding a myriad excuses

For beautiful things in life

So, I want to hate 

Him, i want his heart 

To finely grate 

And throw in a crater

I want to drown

Him, till he burns

I want to drop him from high

Till he hits the sky

But why?

His only mistake was loving?

I tell myself, and I stop misstep.

Yes, he loves

He loves so well and akin

so gently like velvet on skin

So refreshingly like oxygen breathed in

That im tempted to have a white soul

Forget how long I had to tarmac on bare soles

To find my place in the darkness

Harness my strength from hollowness

He wants to hold my hand in public

Same hands that draw Gothic

Deadly hieroglyphics 

When the night is acidic

So I pull away

He wants to smoother my lips with kisses

Lips that are only accustomed to hisses

With no knowledge of bliss, 

He presses on so I tease him with my mess

He wants to show me heaven

In my ear, Hades recalls me to the my dark haven

Cant you see?

There’ll never be me and you, sear!

Because for me, coveting is my pillow

Adultery lives in veins of my eyes

My hands are accustomed to stealing

I’m an innocent murderer for the innocent

My mouth anchors the forbidden phrases

My heart knows no religion

My soul belongs to no legion

I’ve been baptized in sin

And him, my lover, my Darling

His heart harbours heavenly glory

HOMAGE WITH PAIN

I popped a couple of pills

Smoked a bunch of blunts

Clicked a number of glasses

And  drained infinite number of beer bottles
I’ve been to hell and back

Walked on hot coal for miles
I’ve been a stranger in the place i call home

Felt like a foreigner in my own bed

I’ve knocked into my own head, and excused myself walking, tiptoeing in my own thoughts

I have had the need to remind myself to feel at home in my own skin.

Stains of my misery still live on my pillows, pools of the same have found a home down my drainage flushed down in the wee hours of the dawn

Musical beats and notes dwell in my throat

For with misery, I found home

With pain, I met comfort, 

you see

Its more predictable than love
I’ve preached a couple of curse words

Spat sentences of insults in turns of tones

Chanted the enchanted phrases

Just to keep me sane

I’ve drowned in the waters they called holy, 

I’ve scorched my skin in the same heat they busk in

Yet you talk about justice

No, I don’t know justice

What is love?

Have you heard of empathy…love?

No? Get out of my way

CLOAKED


Why are you selling me your porcelain faces perfect perfect personalities?
why are you wearing that loosely fitting perfection?
You are flawed and 
So am i, and we’re both wearing shiny cloaks of good deeds
but I know that when the day is done and the lights are dimmed,
you shed all your sainthood like snakeskin
 I do too. 
Tell me those wrecking secrets
what you don’t want the world to know about yourself
What you for fear will cause a light be casted.
Tell me about the times you couldn’t save yourself. 
The times you drowned
The nights you cried yourself to sleep
Those that you wished away your wishing stars
Show me your pain
Give me your broken parts, 
your fractured pieces, 
everything that’s weighed too heavily on the floor of your heart. 

Give me a map with coordinates that lead into the deepest, most twisted corner of your soul where all of your unconquered demons still lurk. 
Let me see them.
Give me your struggles and impurities. 
Tell me about the worst thing you have ever done. 
Show me the blood on your hands
Let me see the guilt in your eyes
Let me feel the depth and width of the scars on your skin
The blackness of your soul 
Talk to me about the times you couldn’t look at yourself in the mirror or fall  
Let me fall for the battles you can’t fight
Give me your joys and your pain in equal measure 
I want the whole of you, the depth of you, the breadth of all you are
the light that shines in between your broken parts
 Show me all of you
And I will show you your own greatest strengths.

Me And You

Let’s travel the world

Me and you

The valleys and its mountains

The seas and its desserts

The calm in all its tides

Let’s walk through the summer and its hails

Let’s embrace each other

With love and its darkness

In happiness and its sorrows

Lets live for each others soul deeply

With hate that’s pure

With a love that is enchanted

A beat that will never cease

Fragrance that will never fade

Let’s walk into the horizons

Me and you

Let’s forget the world

Let’s create our galaxy

With a spirit that can not be tamed

With a will that doesn’t crave for fame

With a tongue that knows the taste of tears, fears And wins.

Let’s rule the world, with a scepter soaring into the black and back from the dark.

Let’s look into each others eyes And see the world

Let’s take each others hand and see the future

Let’s listen to the pound of each others heartbeat and know how hope sounds like.

Let’s fall, 

Let’s rise

Let’s be badass together

Let’s fit in each others shoe and travel the world

Me and you

SORRY, NOT SORRY

Hey, listen up

I wanna be polite, but politeness earned me lots of plight and trauma

I wanna be right, but what’s a right without a wrong So, I’m sorry not sorry

Really, I’m sorry I fucked with you in our little temples between heaven and hell, and forgot about the whole team

You know, the likes of those who know of the tempo of my moaning, how I like my lips caressed and body handled.

I’m sorry I only got satisfied by the fine delicacy of your lips, and failed to accidentally fall for your model best friend who insisted on visiting while you were away, the one who winked at me as I laid on your shoulder

I’m sorry for believing in your musical career, so much, I guess that curved bass guitar wasn’t the only thing you played.


I’m sorry, I’m sorry I loved your soul solo in a hundred different ways, while you were only capable of loving a hundred souls in the same way, wired.

I’m sorry my love, I’m sorry for losing my equilibrium, you were always the one with the rhythm, or so I thought.

I’m sorry for slipping those tiny sweet nothing writings in your shirts , for loving you too loud,

I didn’t mean yo ruin your relations with her too, I didnt mean to ruin the perfect triangle.

I’m sorry for believing when you said you were busy with work for our anniversary dinner, that you were too sick and tired for movie our usual night

I’m sorry

I’m sorry for my body having to wake up too early to warm your morning feels

I’m sorry I can’t do that anymore, I. Sorry, it’s all down in the trench, I’m sorry I just penned my full stop, not ellipsis.

I’m sorry, not sorry

IT’S THE SILENCE

Its the silence that makes me look at my scars and bruises on my skin and the stains on my heart,

Its the silence that makes me replay the old cassettes again and again hoping to get a different message,
Its the silence between us love,
That makes me spend sleepless cold nights hidden deep in the forbidden thoughts that seem unforgotten now.

Its the silence that makes me question everything you’ve ever been and not, even the truth of my heartbeat and rate and the color of my blood.

But your eyes, love
They tell words louder and clearer than this silence

There is a place you’ll rather be